Archive for June, 2007

I have been dead since 3rd June 2003. That’s exactly 4 years ago. I died in a car accident when me and my wife, Susan, were going to the movies. We were driving along happily listening to music when her favourite song came on. As I always used to do, I took my eyes off the road to trouble her by skipping onto the next song. I was a couple of seconds late in reacting to the truck bearing down on us and now here I am, dead as a doornail.

I was just 26 when my life was cut short. It was as if the world which I had just begun to grasp within my hands had been snatched away. I had been looking forward to so many things when more than half of my life taken away from me – wanted to have kids, get a house, go bungy jumping, grow old along with Susan, go to Paris and do many more things. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.

Now that I am dead you may wonder what fate had in store for me. Was it Heaven or Hell? Isn’t it? That’s what we have all been brought to believe in, that there is life after death, that there is a heaven where good people go and a hell for all the sinners. It’s been 4 years since I have died but I am no closer to the truth than you are. But there is another anomaly we all have heard of. Ghosts! This is what I believe myself to be. Not one that goes around scaring people. But I see myself as some form of energy floating around which no one is aware of. And having nothing else to do, no one to be with all I do is observe things.

I was right there when my father told Susan that I had died. I saw the anguish, the pain, the death of our dreams in her eyes. I saw her cry, saw her utter helplessness and heard her questions and prayers to god. Seeing her like this all I wanted at that time was to hold her tight in my arms and tell her to move on, wanted to give her the strength to forget me and be happy, and for her to wipe away the tears and smile once again. I wanted her to go out meet new people, have kids, get a house, go to Paris and fulfil all the dreams we had dreamt of together.

But time changes everything and everyone. In the past 4 years I have seen Susan do what I had wished for that day. Today I saw her in Paris, bringing her son back from school to the house she had bought along with Henry. On the way back I saw her stopping by the church. I saw her kneel down and pray for me, remember me. And a tear rolled down her cheek. It’s been quite a few months since my thoughts have flittered across her mind and I no longer want this. Today somehow I do not want her to move on. I want to be in her life. I want to be the person she snuggles up to late at night. I want to be the dad her kid looks up to. I no longer want to be forgotten. If not alive I still want to be remembered everyday. What else do I have to look forward to?

It used to feel so good in the beginning. Being missed everyday. Even though I wanted Susan to forget me and to move on it did feel good, on some level, to be remembered and wanted. It did make me feel connected to her, to the world, to the life I no longer have. But slowly as time moved on so did people. Today I saw Susan remember me after such a long time and again I felt the same rush, felt her love for me. How I have longed for it. I have seen life move on, Susan move on, while all I can do is stand at the same place and watch things go further away. There used to be days when I could feel all my loved ones around me. And I have passed days seeing it all trickle to a few days.

And I know I cannot blame Susan for this change. Though she still loves me the same, it is this this whirlwind of time that has confined me to become just “a few dates here and there.”


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